|So, it really sucks being a plain Jane. I've lost 55 lbs and.nothing.has changed. Sure everyone thinks I'm cute. But nobody wants to get to know the real me because I still have a bit of fat on me and nobody likes fat people.I'm so bummed. And.the fact that my ex was at the same bar I was at tonight doesn't help. I'm an ugly fat gross ogre and I don't deserve love. End. Of. Story.|
|So after living in my apartment for four years, my landlord so kindly told me tonight the he sold his house and I have a month to move out. |
First of all, I had no fucking clue he was selling his house! He could have given me a heads up! But it really doesn't surprise me at all that he failed to let me know this very important information. It really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. Thank goodness a friend of mine has recently bought a house and absolutly loved her relator, so she gave me her name and number. Hopefully that will make the apartment search that much easier.
I have no idea what I can even afford. I got lucky here, I paid one sum and everything was included. And it was a really low sum too! Here's to hoping for a raise at work so I can continue to live in costly Chicago.
|I am in a rut that I can't get out of.|
I feel so alone.
I feel lost.
I feel useless.
I don't want to be here anymore.
|One would think losing weight would make ones life easier.....|
pfffffft yeah right! It hasn't made me a happier person. Nothing is different. Well the only thing different is the fact that I don't hurt as much as I use to physical wise. But, I'm still in the same rut with a bunch of things that were bothering me before losing 45 lbs.
I'm still single, with absolutly no prospects. I thought there might be one, but turns out I'm not the good girl he is looking for...aka, I am not skinny, or do dumb duck faces on my fb profile pics. Quack.
I have major depression right now. I've thought of suicide. I've thought of cutting again. But then I'm just like whats the point. I'm gonna be depressed if I cut or not.
I honestly don't know what would make me happy. Like truly happy. I have wonderful friends and family, I love my job, I at least can afford an apartment...even if I hate my landlord and his butterface girlfriend.
I'm just so sad all the time. For no reason at all sometimes! I miss my mom tremendiously most of the time. I wish she was here so I could ask her for her advice on EVERYTHING! But she isn't here, and half of the time dad tries really hard to help, but even he admits that he wishes mom were here so she could help too.
Oh, and not to mention that my best friend is going through a rough time too. Like a really rough time. Her dad had to have brain surgery. And so, I feel like I can't talk to her about my problems, not that she will listen to me over her problems. Her problems are always more important and come first. BUT....I feel us drifting apart. It's the saddest thing ever. We have been through so much together. But I don't think I would even trust her with my most personal secret anymore. She has started hanging out with this girl that, well, isn't my cup of coffee. My bff claims that this girl has changed, but honestly, nobody ever changes. I learned this the hard way. I'm being replaced and I can totally tell. Every weekend, she and I hang out Saturdays and sometimes Sundays, but she tells me she is going to hang out with this other girl. So I'm just like, oh...well...ok. Because what can I say! So I make other plans, and her plans didn't pan out, so she pretty much expected mine not to pan out. I love this girl to death, and would do anything for her. But, I always feel I am judged and that she is never wanting the best for me....I know that sounds mean, but I don't really know how to explain it other than that...I know she has the best intentions but I feel like it's all about her. Sometimes I want to text her and be like, hey I'm having a pretty fucking awful day, and have her say, that sucks, wanna grab a drink. Instead she one-ups me. Sometimes, even the strong people need someone to listen to them. I can bet you 100 bucks she has no idea any of the struggles I have posted in this blog. She knows I've tried to committ suicide before, but she doesn't know that I've thought about it recently because she just doesn't take time to listen to me over her problems. Thank God I have friends that do.
I just really wish there was a magic button to make me happy.
|I just want to lose weight and be happy! Why does it have to be so hard!? I've been eating sooo much better than I used to! I even joined weight watchers! I got my throid checked but nothing! I just want to lose weight and be happy. So why does that seem impossible? I'm at a loss.|